The experience not so expected

So here I have been absent for many months. I am officially unemployed, as of the end of December, and have departed home. My travels have begun.

And so here I reside in Wailuku, Maui, HI, at a hostel that is definitely not in the most ideal location. I have no car and am nowhere near much, well really anything. Even getting to the grocery store is quite the hike. I believe you need a vehicle of somesort so successfully navigate this island. Also the hostel I am staying at is quite low key, everyone generally keeps to themselves and it won’t be easy for me to make friends here (and hence sneak my way into someones car).

And so this is why I have titled my post as such. Because this is the begining of an experience not so expected.

Aloha!

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A word to the fallen: Rest in peace

Now it has been a while since I have posted. I have been incredibly busy with work and planning my world travels. But something tragic has just happened recently and I need to say a few words.

I must take a moment right now, as a fellow Canadian, to express my deepest sympathies to the family, friends and fellow soldiers of our fallen Corporal, Nathan Cirillo. My heart goes out to all of you. I wish that Nathan’s soul finds the peace it deserves, he was taken from this world far too soon. I hope that his son will grow up remembering the great times with his father, even though that time was short.

Canada has lost a great soldier, father, husband, and son. You will not be forgotten Nathan, you now stand in memory with the rest of our fallen soldiers and I thank you. I thank you for the great service you have done our country and the bravery all soldier put forth on a daily basis. I wish for safety, health and happiness for all soldiers.

The violent acts that are taking place in Canada will not be forgotten or forgiven. Our own have been hurt and targeted.

Canada will stand strong.

Decisions: The ego, the heart & the author.

Decisions.

Sometimes making a serious decision can be hard. I find my ego strolls in and tries to block out my heart/gut in attempt to mislead me in knowing what I truly want. I had to make a decision this morning that I found was difficult to make. I got offered to return for a few months to a previous project I was working at within my company. With my current project nearing its end in October, I would have gone back for what they said would be three to four months.

My dilemma was an internal one. I have been planning for many months to take November and December off before I take off on my travels around the world in January. Then I got offered a few months more work. My mind ran in circles. Do I accept? Do I return to this project that I did not enjoy, just to make more money? I had to give human resources an answer by this morning so there I was yesterday, torn in two different directions, writing out non-helpful pros and cons lists and trying to do my current job at the same time. I didn’t feel the pressure at all, not to mention I felt as if I had some sort of obligation to say yes because I am apparently one of those people who have a hard time saying no when help is needed. Taking the job would mean postponing my travels by a month or two, giving up all my pre-travel preparation plans to some degree and also not having those two months off to unwind and relax after one hell of a hectic project.

So when I say my ego strolled in and blocked out my heart, I mean that my ego wanted the money (selfish little bastard) and my heart wanted what I originally had planned. But of course I couldn’t see that clearly as I sat there over thinking the entire situation. So I stopped thinking about it entirely. I decided whatever answer I thought of upon waking up this morning, would be my decision. So this morning I kindly declined the offer.

A friend asked me how I ended my internal battle and decided. I told her that this morning when I woke up, I thought not of the job/the money/the pros and cons/my plans, but of the thought about how I have been waiting for this project to end so that I may leave this company and finally move on in my life. I thought about what I wanted in life. I also thought of some advice I have in the past given others: “When you finish reading a chapter within a book you are supposed to move on to the next, not re-read it again.” I figured it was time for me to listen to my own advice.

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I do not regret my decision. My ego may be mad, but me? I felt a weight lift off my shoulders and the excitement of my original plans return.

If my life were a book that I was writing this is the decision I would make for the main character. I want to be the author of my own story and it is time for me to write the next chapter in my life. I am sure as hell going to make it a good one.

misguidedsouls

You don’t choose your name, just what you leave in your wake.

We are all misguided in our own way, each and every one of us. 

We all have that stage in our life where you question everything from your successes and failures to your existence and purpose. Where you wander in the unknown, not knowing how to find your way out. Some will never find their way out because they don’t believe there is one. Some don’t even know they are wandering. But it is those of us who find or create our own escape that will move on in life to do great things. Whether society today thinks it is great or not is of no importance. What makes it great is your feeling of accomplishment, your happiness, the memorable impact you make on others and the influence you leave in your wake.

I was and still am a misguided soul. I have only just found my potential escape from the unknown. And I know you will as well, in your own time.

There is no shame in being a misguided soul.

-misguidedsouls

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(title: “You don’t choose your name, just what you leave in your wake.” – lyrics from Father/Son by Wovenwar)

Your soul & Love.

I have been pondering lately about what love means to me. Now there are many kinds of love, but I am talking about falling in love. As I find that love now seems to have become lost. Lust being confused as love, the physical aspect overshadowing the emotional.

I believe in the soul. I believe, as Charlie Chaplin wrote to his daughter, “Your naked body should belong only to those who fall in love with your naked soul.” 

You could be the most beautiful man in the world, but if I am unable to fall in love with your soul and you mine then love will not exist. Yes, it is important to be attracted to the person whom you are in a relationship with but if you don’t love their soul then you would be lying to yourself in thinking you love them. It saddens me that we have lost the timeless romance that once existed.

The world focuses so much on the physical aspects of a relationship, forgetting entirely that the soul exists. A lot of the time now it is about sex, that you would ‘tap that’, ‘fuck that’, ‘bang that’ and all the other meaningless terminology the world has come up with. Whatever happened to caring about who you share your bed with? Why do people care about adding a tally to the count? Your worth is not determined by the amount of people you have managed to sleep with (yes this may be directed to the males), and if you believe your worth is determined by that, then you have some serious soul searching to do. We need to stop treating people as objects being used for a purpose.

More people really should be more careful about who they share their energy with. You can believe that the sex is meaningless, and it might be but its not that simple. What you may not realize is that – with sex being such an intimate exchange between two people – you don’t need to be an empath to afterward walk away carrying the effects of that person’s energy with you.

“Pay attention to whom you share you intimate energy with. Intimacy at this level intertwines your aural energy with the aural energy of the other person. These powerful connections, regardless of how insignificant you think they are, leave spiritual debris, particularly within people who do not practice any type of cleansing, physical, emotional or otherwise.

The more you interact intimately with someone, the deeper the connection and the more of their aura is intertwined with yours. Imagine the confused aura of someone who sleeps with multiple people and carries around these multiple energies? What they may not realize is that others can feel that energy which can repel positive energy and attract negative energy into your life.

I always say, never sleep with someone you wouldn’t want to be.” – Lisa Chase Patterson

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I want to be with someone who shows me their soul because they trust me to take care of it. Someone who wants to see my soul and not just my naked body. To smile with someone as we feel ourselves falling in love with the others soul. To share my bed with someone who doesn’t just want use my body for the act of sex, but someone who wants to cherish my body as we create an act of love and expose ourselves to a vulnerability that we both know is a trust of the other that runs deep to our very souls. Someone who will grow to respect me as much as I will grow to respect them. To be able to expose yourself and let them in on your darkest secrets all while knowing that it won’t change they way they look at you or feel about you one bit.

Now I must sound so very corny, like a hopeless romantic waiting for the impossible. But for me it is important to connect on that deep of level, and why should I settle for any less? Because when and if he comes around I would hope that he expects the same of me and knows that, in being with me, he also has not had to settle for any less.

Everyone wants to love and be loved, it is in our nature.

-misguidedsouls

Counting down to approaching discoveries

Today was a motivational day, which is strange to say the least because I felt like a corpse dragging its way through the day. I felt like complete shit and managed to make it through 12 dreadful work hours.

However, I finally got half of a rough plan together for my world travels. Which has me super excited. I have planned to leave early January just after the new year, picked my first destination and let the others fall into place one after another. I also have begun to choose which dates I will go to certain places and how long I will reside there – none of these being set in stone as I know they will change!

After looking up accomdations through airbnb and hostels I have finally decided I am allowed to get excited. January really is not that far away after all.

Can’t wait to say “bon voyage” to my town and start to share my journey!

misguidedsouls

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The birth of another unnamed book – Chapter One: Among the Storm

I wanted to share something I have recently just written. I have this goal in my life to one day write a book. So far I haven’t had much luck, instead I have written several beginnings to books. I tend to meet up often with this lovely individual called Writer’s Block – we’re close friends. Anyways, here it is, chapter number one to the beginning of an unnamed book:

Chapter One: Among the Storm

The air was bitter, carrying a cold dampness that seemed to seep through the warmest of clothing. Clouds suffocated the moons light, leaving the night sky enveloped in darkness. An eerie silence hung in the air, not even the bristling of leaves could be heard. It was the calm before the storm.

Only two could be seen this night, only two who were not seeking the comfort and safety of their homes.

*

A young man walked along the cliff of the island, awaiting the oncoming storm. The darkness of the night not seeming to bother him as he dangerously walked along the edge. One misstep and he would fall fifty feet into the dark ocean below. Sharp rocks breaching the water’s surface tainting him with the possibility of death. A smirk formed on his face at the thought. Taking a deep breath of the cold oceanic air he embraced and welcomed the adrenaline felt flowing through his veins.

He neared the peak of the cliff that extended out almost fifteen feet, suspended over the vast Pacific Ocean.

And that’s when he saw her.

A woman wearing an all black dress. The length of it flowing well past her feet and over the edges of the peak. It had no sleeves and the pale skin of her arms glowed in contrast against the darkness of the material. The night was cold but she didn’t seem bothered by it as she stood facing the ocean. Her hair was the colour of the forest, a deep green billowing down her back and past her slim waist in thick waves.

The young man stopped at the sight of her and he knew immediately that, like him, she was not mortal. He began to move closer, enticed by the mysterious stranger. Seeming to sense his presence immediately she turned around to face him. Her emerald green eyes taking in his profile as he took another step closer. The deep red of her lips softened into a slight smile and she stared directly into the blue of his eyes.

As he continued to move closer he realized how young she was, most likely around his age of twenty-one. She did not appear to feel threatened by his presence but instead a calm radiated from her.

A sudden strong wind picked up out of nowhere. Causing the bottom of her dress to flutter around her at the same time it tussled the young man’s hair and clothing. It was then that she broke their eye contact and looked up toward the sky. Small bolts of lightning lit up patterns throughout the clouds, shortly followed by loud cracks of thunder. Her hair seemed to slightly hover in the air around her as if she were surrounded by static electricity.

He now stood about five feet away from her, “Who are you?”

She looked away from the beginning storm in the sky and into his eyes. The curve of her lips falling into a sad smile. “I Sir am someone whom should not exist. You should pretend as if you did not see me this dark night.” Her voice was beautiful, almost as if she were singing every word.

Confusion flooded his face, “Why?”

She dropped her eyes to look at the ground, “For the safety of your life and my own.” meeting his eyes once again the woman continued, “I can tell you are no mortal Sir, so you must be aware of the evils that haunt us.”

He nodded his head in understanding. It was those evils she spoke of that he avoided every day, those evils that he hid his existence from. He decided not to pry. “At least tell me your name?”

“Evalynn and yours Sir?”

“Elijah.”

“Elijah,” his name rang on her lips “I hope you can put the memory of our meeting behind you. Like a dream you can barley recall when you awake from a slumber.” She then turned around and walked to the very end of the peak. And with a small wave of her hand, she walked off the edge.

Frozen with shock Elijah dove to the edge and stared fifty feet down into the water as vicious waves plundered the rock. But Evalynn was nowhere to be seen.

It was then that it began to pour rain, soaking Elijah almost instantly as he dragged himself to his feet. With one last look out to the ocean he headed in the direction he had come from.

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I do hope you enjoyed!

-misguidedsouls

Freedom: Are we free, or is that just a fantasy?

It has been a while, but I have finally decided to follow up on one of my previous posts – Success: Your potential worst enemy – with my perspective on freedom.

See I was listening to a song this morning called Loyal Friend and Thoughtful Lover by The Wind + The Wave when the following lyrics were sang:

“My daddy always used to say be careful where you step
Them cracks is gonna break your back, the government’s gonna get
Every cent you ever earn in life, so don’t expect a lot
Eat all the food up on your plate. What you get is what you got.

See, I know life isn’t fair or free”

And it was those lyrics above that prompted me to write this post. So taking the very broad subject of freedom I will attempt to write down my perspective and thoughts. Now freedom has many literal definitions if you choose to search it on google – which I have done. However I find that freedom cannot be defined.

To me freedom is almost like a feeling. Have you ever heard someone say “I feel free.”? I would wonder at what such a feeling feels like and, while thinking upon it, realization dawned upon me that the feeling of freedom is different to each individual. Many factors could contribute to the feeling, like your surrounding environment and situation. I remember very specifically a time when I sat floating in a kayak in a small lake – the sun was shining, the shores surrounding me were covered in trees, the water was calm and a gentle breeze touched my skin. It was so quiet and all that could be heard were the sounds of nature. I took a deep breath inhaling the clean air around me, smelling the trees. There in that kayak there was only that moment, the future and past fell away, my mind was clear, and all I could see was the beauty around me. Then I thought to myself – I feel free. 

Now I want to compare that moment to another. Just this past Tuesday morning I sat outside with a good friend and, while we shared a small (illegal) joint together, we contemplated life. She had to go to work later that evening and I had to fly back to work the next morning. We both shared the weight of obligation on our shoulders. Not wanting to go to the jobs that neither of us enjoy but realizing we need the money. Then adding to the weight of obligation, you feel frustration and sadness settle down on your shoulders as well. Frustrated that the world forces so many of us to deny what we truly want. Sad because your hearts cries for what could be. I know that, just like myself, most of us are trapped in this system.

Supposedly we are free. Yet we are enslaved by money. We are told how we should live, what we can do, and what we can’t do. In order to survive as a human being even with just the most basic needs like food, water, and shelter – you need money. You can’t eat without money, you can’t drink clean water without money (most times), and you cannot provide yourself with a decent shelter without money. The human race has managed to create this complex prison that we all live in, with the government acting as prison guards. Why is it that a small group of people ultimately get to decide and impose rules upon the rest of us? Why is it the corporations such as Monsanto still exist (with government funding) while they poison our food and aim to control the world’s food supply? Why is it that so much of the population complies with these rules and believe that this just the way life is? 

“When a man is denied the right to live the life he believes in, he has no choice but to become an outlaw.” ― Nelson Mandela

We live in a world where we literally deny other human beings of the basic right to essentially survive. The fact that hunger, starvation and malnutrition exist so heavily in certain populations is just one example. Or the fact that we continue to kill the planet with our selfish desires, all while failing to save it because ‘it costs money’. How can you place a dollar amount on nature? Something that existed before our race was even alive. We act as if we own the world but in all reality the world owns us. Which is something the government forgets as it continues to neglect the dying environment and focuses all it’s attention on controlling this system we are all basically enslaved in. 

Oh, but don’t forget, we are ‘free’.

-misguidedsouls

When the loneliness becomes a void.

I used to be okay with my loneliness.

I am and always will be a very independent person. However while visiting family and friends last weekend a wise woman told me: “It’s okay to be a strong woman, but don’t let the walls you build block the love from coming through the gates.” To say the least, it was like a smack in the face. I suddenly realized that this is what I have always been doing. I barley even let the love seep through the cracks in my walls. As like any other person I have my story – with many chapters written and still unread – but I failed to see that some of the scars in those chapters were affecting me. 

Suddenly I was confused. Its been a long time since someone said something that so profoundly affected me. I kept a straight face (like always) to not let her see my reaction to her words. That night I did a lot of inner reflection, walking myself in circles acknowledging my self built walls and the small tightly bolted gate. I knew then that I had no idea how to begin the deconstruction of my own inner prison. 

My loneliness had become a void. 

It even has a way to sneaking into the lyrics of my songs –
The demons in me
Revel in the darkness I breed
Embraced by my own walls
In this hell there is no gate
So at which point do I escape
From this self built prison
I find that I am doomed by fate
To a life of my own company,
With these shadows of demons that are mere pieces of me;

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Let me give you a little background story of the people we were visiting before delving into my next point;

I have known the people my mom, little brother and I were visiting my whole life. My mom being best friends with the mom of this family -lets call her Mrs.K. My mom and her were pregnant at the same time with me and Mrs.K’s eldest son – whom we will call CB. I am only 3 month older than him. To say the least, CB and I still get threatened with the baby pictures/video of us in the bathtub together where we technically shared our first kiss (cue the excited parents behind the camera coaxing their one years old’s to do this). We were both haunted by this as young children when each time we visited our mom’s would drag out the video and force us to watch in utter embarrassment with the rest of our families. Now us both at the age of 21, this no longer happens because being a baby long ago doing things your parents tell you is no longer embarrassing but funny. Now instead they just joke to me about wanting us to get married so that my mom and Mrs.K can be sisters (insert eye roll). Oh, and the wise woman I mentioned above would be CB’s Aunt who I met a year ago.

This time, when visiting Mrs.K and family, was different. I guess as I grow older it would be different because I no longer see them as often. I had not seen CB in three years and here is where I begin to delve into my next point. We have known each other our whole lives, but at the same time we barely know each other. I don’t exactly feel awkward around him, however when I had to meet his girlfriend it got all sorts of awkward. With my job I meet new people all the time and it never fazes me but I happen to have a strong intuition and sense others’ emotions very well. So when I sensed how awkward she felt meeting me, along with how awkward he suddenly felt, I couldn’t help but feel awkward.Thank goodness I hide this very well and pulled through, introducing myself and shaking her hand (she has a dead fish handshake….pet peeve of mine). Although I could not understand why this experience was all so awkward!

After that it was strange. He drove my family back to the hotel and made me give him hug. I hate hugs – but with the words still reeling in my head about not letting my walls block love out – I complied. Jokingly he basically squeezed the air out of me and hugged me a little too long for my own comfort. 

After everything that first night visiting them, I was suddenly all too aware of the empty loneliness I held onto.

The second night didn’t allow me to ignore my ever present loneliness. Mrs.K and her family had just that afternoon had to attend a tragic funeral of a young relative. They were all mourning this death and so we all decided to have drinks in honor of the lost life. All us adults got quite drunk – but a good drunk. It was the first time CB and I had truly talked since we have both become adults. I also came to notice a connection we shared from having known each other for so long. We may not have known each others personalities all to well anymore, but at the same time there was a realization to me that we knew things about each other that no others besides family would know and it was simply because we have known each other our whole lives. We laughed about our first kiss that was caught on video and how we used to fight over who was driving the little tykes car as children.

Nearing the end of the night this connection I noticed began to scare me, as if it threatened the walls I held so dear. Before saying goodbye I joked telling him to have a good life as I may not see him again – because I plan to travel the world for a while. He came back with a “yeah right, I’ll see you again.” Then after I responded saying perhaps I would visit again on my days off, he said “so maybe I have another chance then.” To say I was shocked by his comment may be an understatement and it was good I was drunk or I wouldn’t have deflected it so easily with a laugh. Now thinking about it the next day was the most shocking part as I thought about what that comment meant. He has a girlfriend that he is happy with, isn’t he? It also came clear to me that this connection I noticed, he also had. But upon thinking about it the next day I realized I had underestimated the strength of it. 

Now thinking back on his Aunt’s wise words to me, I felt and became – once again – all too aware of my comfortable loneliness and how quickly I allowed myself to reject any sort of love. But I also came to the realization that until he had said that to me, I had opened the tightly locked gate inside me. I don’t think that, even with any of my previous boyfriends, I had let that gate open. 

– misguidedsouls

A fictional world with a hint of feminism.

“What is a woman’s place in this modern world? Jasnah Kholin’s words read. I rebel against this questions, though so many of my peers ask it. The inherent bias in the inquiry seems invisible to so many of them. They consider themselves progressive because they are wiling to challenge many of the assumptions of the past.

They ignore the greater assumption – that a “place” for women must be defined and set forth to begin with. Half of the population must somehow be reduced to the role arrived at by a simple conversation. No matter how broad that role is, it will be – by nature – a reduction from the infinite variety that is womanhood.

I say that there is no role for women – there is, instead, a role for each woman, and she must make it for herself. For some, it will be the role of a scholar; for others, it will be the role of wife. For others, it will be both. For yet others, it will be neither. 

Do not mistake me in assuming I value one woman’s role above another. My point is not to stratify our society – we have done that far too well already – my point is to diversify our discourse. 

A woman’s strength should be not in her role, whatever she chooses it to be, but in the power to choose that role. It is amazing to me that I even have to make this point, as I see it as the very foundation of our conversation.”

Words of Radiance by Brandon Sanderson

Above is a quote from Words of Radiance (Stormlight Archive, The #2) by Brandon Sanderson. Although this quote is based from a fictional world, I believe it can also apply directly to our own. It perfectly depicts a different view on feminism, one that I can relate very closely with my own view – there is no role for woman, nor is there a role for men. We are here to live! Why it is allowed that certain people are above and more deserving than others is beyond me. 

I long to live in a world where we have finally stopped belittling others and realize that we are all equal. This book and the first are fantastically written and I absolutely recommend it to everyone. It delves deep into the social standards of a fictional world, really emphasizing the inequality in place.

-misguidedsouls