Sometimes making a serious decision can be hard. I find my ego strolls in and tries to block out my heart/gut in attempt to mislead me in knowing what I truly want. I had to make a decision this morning that I found was difficult to make. I got offered to return for a few months to a previous project I was working at within my company. With my current project nearing its end in October, I would have gone back for what they said would be three to four months.
My dilemma was an internal one. I have been planning for many months to take November and December off before I take off on my travels around the world in January. Then I got offered a few months more work. My mind ran in circles. Do I accept? Do I return to this project that I did not enjoy, just to make more money? I had to give human resources an answer by this morning so there I was yesterday, torn in two different directions, writing out non-helpful pros and cons lists and trying to do my current job at the same time. I didn’t feel the pressure at all, not to mention I felt as if I had some sort of obligation to say yes because I am apparently one of those people who have a hard time saying no when help is needed. Taking the job would mean postponing my travels by a month or two, giving up all my pre-travel preparation plans to some degree and also not having those two months off to unwind and relax after one hell of a hectic project.
So when I say my ego strolled in and blocked out my heart, I mean that my ego wanted the money (selfish little bastard) and my heart wanted what I originally had planned. But of course I couldn’t see that clearly as I sat there over thinking the entire situation. So I stopped thinking about it entirely. I decided whatever answer I thought of upon waking up this morning, would be my decision. So this morning I kindly declined the offer.
A friend asked me how I ended my internal battle and decided. I told her that this morning when I woke up, I thought not of the job/the money/the pros and cons/my plans, but of the thought about how I have been waiting for this project to end so that I may leave this company and finally move on in my life. I thought about what I wanted in life. I also thought of some advice I have in the past given others: “When you finish reading a chapter within a book you are supposed to move on to the next, not re-read it again.” I figured it was time for me to listen to my own advice.
I do not regret my decision. My ego may be mad, but me? I felt a weight lift off my shoulders and the excitement of my original plans return.
If my life were a book that I was writing this is the decision I would make for the main character. I want to be the author of my own story and it is time for me to write the next chapter in my life. I am sure as hell going to make it a good one.