Decisions: The ego, the heart & the author.


Sometimes making a serious decision can be hard. I find my ego strolls in and tries to block out my heart/gut in attempt to mislead me in knowing what I truly want. I had to make a decision this morning that I found was difficult to make. I got offered to return for a few months to a previous project I was working at within my company. With my current project nearing its end in October, I would have gone back for what they said would be three to four months.

My dilemma was an internal one. I have been planning for many months to take November and December off before I take off on my travels around the world in January. Then I got offered a few months more work. My mind ran in circles. Do I accept? Do I return to this project that I did not enjoy, just to make more money? I had to give human resources an answer by this morning so there I was yesterday, torn in two different directions, writing out non-helpful pros and cons lists and trying to do my current job at the same time. I didn’t feel the pressure at all, not to mention I felt as if I had some sort of obligation to say yes because I am apparently one of those people who have a hard time saying no when help is needed. Taking the job would mean postponing my travels by a month or two, giving up all my pre-travel preparation plans to some degree and also not having those two months off to unwind and relax after one hell of a hectic project.

So when I say my ego strolled in and blocked out my heart, I mean that my ego wanted the money (selfish little bastard) and my heart wanted what I originally had planned. But of course I couldn’t see that clearly as I sat there over thinking the entire situation. So I stopped thinking about it entirely. I decided whatever answer I thought of upon waking up this morning, would be my decision. So this morning I kindly declined the offer.

A friend asked me how I ended my internal battle and decided. I told her that this morning when I woke up, I thought not of the job/the money/the pros and cons/my plans, but of the thought about how I have been waiting for this project to end so that I may leave this company and finally move on in my life. I thought about what I wanted in life. I also thought of some advice I have in the past given others: “When you finish reading a chapter within a book you are supposed to move on to the next, not re-read it again.” I figured it was time for me to listen to my own advice.


I do not regret my decision. My ego may be mad, but me? I felt a weight lift off my shoulders and the excitement of my original plans return.

If my life were a book that I was writing this is the decision I would make for the main character. I want to be the author of my own story and it is time for me to write the next chapter in my life. I am sure as hell going to make it a good one.


You don’t choose your name, just what you leave in your wake.

We are all misguided in our own way, each and every one of us. 

We all have that stage in our life where you question everything from your successes and failures to your existence and purpose. Where you wander in the unknown, not knowing how to find your way out. Some will never find their way out because they don’t believe there is one. Some don’t even know they are wandering. But it is those of us who find or create our own escape that will move on in life to do great things. Whether society today thinks it is great or not is of no importance. What makes it great is your feeling of accomplishment, your happiness, the memorable impact you make on others and the influence you leave in your wake.

I was and still am a misguided soul. I have only just found my potential escape from the unknown. And I know you will as well, in your own time.

There is no shame in being a misguided soul.



(title: “You don’t choose your name, just what you leave in your wake.” – lyrics from Father/Son by Wovenwar)

Your soul & Love.

I have been pondering lately about what love means to me. Now there are many kinds of love, but I am talking about falling in love. As I find that love now seems to have become lost. Lust being confused as love, the physical aspect overshadowing the emotional.

I believe in the soul. I believe, as Charlie Chaplin wrote to his daughter, “Your naked body should belong only to those who fall in love with your naked soul.” 

You could be the most beautiful man in the world, but if I am unable to fall in love with your soul and you mine then love will not exist. Yes, it is important to be attracted to the person whom you are in a relationship with but if you don’t love their soul then you would be lying to yourself in thinking you love them. It saddens me that we have lost the timeless romance that once existed.

The world focuses so much on the physical aspects of a relationship, forgetting entirely that the soul exists. A lot of the time now it is about sex, that you would ‘tap that’, ‘fuck that’, ‘bang that’ and all the other meaningless terminology the world has come up with. Whatever happened to caring about who you share your bed with? Why do people care about adding a tally to the count? Your worth is not determined by the amount of people you have managed to sleep with (yes this may be directed to the males), and if you believe your worth is determined by that, then you have some serious soul searching to do. We need to stop treating people as objects being used for a purpose.

More people really should be more careful about who they share their energy with. You can believe that the sex is meaningless, and it might be but its not that simple. What you may not realize is that – with sex being such an intimate exchange between two people – you don’t need to be an empath to afterward walk away carrying the effects of that person’s energy with you.

“Pay attention to whom you share you intimate energy with. Intimacy at this level intertwines your aural energy with the aural energy of the other person. These powerful connections, regardless of how insignificant you think they are, leave spiritual debris, particularly within people who do not practice any type of cleansing, physical, emotional or otherwise.

The more you interact intimately with someone, the deeper the connection and the more of their aura is intertwined with yours. Imagine the confused aura of someone who sleeps with multiple people and carries around these multiple energies? What they may not realize is that others can feel that energy which can repel positive energy and attract negative energy into your life.

I always say, never sleep with someone you wouldn’t want to be.” – Lisa Chase Patterson


I want to be with someone who shows me their soul because they trust me to take care of it. Someone who wants to see my soul and not just my naked body. To smile with someone as we feel ourselves falling in love with the others soul. To share my bed with someone who doesn’t just want use my body for the act of sex, but someone who wants to cherish my body as we create an act of love and expose ourselves to a vulnerability that we both know is a trust of the other that runs deep to our very souls. Someone who will grow to respect me as much as I will grow to respect them. To be able to expose yourself and let them in on your darkest secrets all while knowing that it won’t change they way they look at you or feel about you one bit.

Now I must sound so very corny, like a hopeless romantic waiting for the impossible. But for me it is important to connect on that deep of level, and why should I settle for any less? Because when and if he comes around I would hope that he expects the same of me and knows that, in being with me, he also has not had to settle for any less.

Everyone wants to love and be loved, it is in our nature.


Counting down to approaching discoveries

Today was a motivational day, which is strange to say the least because I felt like a corpse dragging its way through the day. I felt like complete shit and managed to make it through 12 dreadful work hours.

However, I finally got half of a rough plan together for my world travels. Which has me super excited. I have planned to leave early January just after the new year, picked my first destination and let the others fall into place one after another. I also have begun to choose which dates I will go to certain places and how long I will reside there – none of these being set in stone as I know they will change!

After looking up accomdations through airbnb and hostels I have finally decided I am allowed to get excited. January really is not that far away after all.

Can’t wait to say “bon voyage” to my town and start to share my journey!